Depression & Me

Most likely not the best thing to talk about when I desperately want to change careers, but hey this is my blog I can say what I want!


I have suffered with Depression for years.  I was on meds & in therapy for a long time, but me being me I stopped therapy and I just wont take the meds.  I'm convinced I can control it myself.


One of my biggest issues was always that the issues with my kids were because of me.  I am the only common denominator between them, well that and I managed to pro-create with 2 of the most lying useless people in my world. They both have a form of ADD/ADHD & one is bi-polar & has ODD. So for 2 kids to both have issues like that its got to be something in the genes rights? Who's genes do they both carry? Me! That was something my therapist was never able to work out of my head.  That and after 2 years she only saw one break through with me...so I left! So my solution, I just wont have any more kids.  I have gone to great lengths to make sure it stays that way too. Hence why I enjoy being single.


However I can literally feel my body sliding down the dark hole of despair as I call it. When it happens nothing and no one can fix me, only I can slide down and find the light hidden somewhere in my world.


Why bring this up?  I was talking to a good friend over "Slice" this morning and she said that last Christmas I was off the radar for 6 days.  No social networking no texting, email or phone calls.   That kind of shocked me because I dont remember that at all! Normally I can tell you exactly when that was, kind of scary actually.


SO I said I was going to reread some stuff and see what was going on.  I cant find anything.  I see a trip to NY and I am always sad when i have to come back, that is getting worse.  I cried leaving NY last trip.  Although that was quickly removed by anger from the hellish 20 hour trip I had getting home.


To sum this all up.  If I fall off the grid, I'm not lost, just taking a break.  I still see everything that goes on, I just might not mentally be up to talking. All the love that is sent to me helps me find the light that will guide me back to sanity. Is it smart to not medicate, I think so, because on the meds I dont like the person I become.


I'm in a semi happy place.  I have a goal, I have a direction and I can see myself where I want to be doing want I want to do.  The obstacles to get me there are what hurts me the most, because they are obstacle I put there, I just didnt know it at the time.


To the people that know me, not the social networking Googleable me, none of this is new to you.   You have experienced it before, even if you didn't know it.  LOL you are now having an "AHHHH" moment.  To those that only know me from the above, well when I'm offline for a while, dont worry I will be back to ramble some more.